Kink vs Fetish vs BDSM
Society likes labels. We all need to fit into some preconceived ‘box’ otherwise we are somehow abnormal. Being social beings, most people need to feel a sense of belonging, so we adopt the labels we are given by parents, teachers, friends, and others. We follow belief systems that may not be authentic to who we are, or might be, if we are brave enough to work that out. Expectations about who we are or should be by others opens the door to secrecy, shame, unhappiness, and other emotions, as we hide our true selves from others.
According to my horoscope I am a Cancer. It is rarely that I have read information about this star sign that describes who I think I am. Then I was introduced to Chinese Astrology. I am a Fire Horse and to my astonishment the ‘I’ I think I am suddenly made sense. Even though as a female Fire Horse I might have been drowned at birth in China as they are considered bad tempered and likely to cause their husbands an early death(!), I felt powerful and acknowledged. I know that my personality and behaviour is shaped by far more than my birth date, but I still like the Fire Horse label and identify with its meaning.
Labels exist within subcultures as well. Conversations go on and on and on in an attempt to define ourselves, our interests, characters and habits. People agree, or disagree, and more labels are created. I don’t want to fit into a box. I don’t want the preconception of others. I don’t want shame or self-loathing for being different. I am anti ‘static’ labels. I strive to learn about the good and bad within myself and develop self-acceptance. As a result, over time I have identified with a variety of labels but as I explore myself, my interests, desires and wants, the labels have changed. Ultimately, I believe the best ‘me’ is a combination of many facets that do not fit neatly into specific categories. I am just me.
After a period of celibacy post a marriage breakdown, I decided it was time to have sex again. Suddenly I was being given labels: kinky, dominant, sadistic. I thought I was just having good sex! Thus opened a new chapter in my sexual exploration. So, was I a kinkster? or a fetishist? Or on some spectrum of BDSM? After years in the ‘scene’ with people asking how I identify I have concluded that my desires and traits do not fit neatly into one category. Bottom line, try something once and if you like, keep going!
With so many taboos around sex and sexual desire many struggle to feel fulfilled and cannot always determine why. We tend to follow sexual scripts provided by our environment and upbringing for fear of being abnormal, unacceptable or being outcast from socially acceptable norms, all of which prevents many from allowing themselves to explore their sexuality. We don’t want to be labelled as ‘abnormal’. But in sex, sexuality, and sexual desire there IS NO NORMAL.
So, what is the difference between each of these terms?
Kink / Kinky
A strange habit usually of a sexual nature.[i]
Unusual, strange, and possibly exciting, especially in ways involving unusual sexual acts.[ii]
Fetish
A sexual interest in an object or part of the body other than the sexual organs.[iii]
BDSM
BDSM is an abbreviation for bondage, discipline (or domination), sadism (or submission), masochism: sexual activity that involves for example, tying a partner up, games in which one partner controls another, or giving and receiving pain for pleasure.[iv]
There is no shame
According to journalist Wendy Rose Gould reporting on research published in the Archives of Sexual Behaviour,[v] “Normal” is whatever feels fulfilling for you and your partner, and communication plays a key role in making sure both parties feel fulfilled. For any of these acts, there are plenty of people who do them and plenty who don’t; so, no shame in being in either category. Sex doesn’t always have to be limited to intercourse, either. Physical intimacy — including cuddling, oral and manual stimulation and sharing of sexual fantasies — contribute to this bonding. At the end of the day, the focus shouldn’t be on hitting a “magic number,” but rather on meeting the needs of both partners and bonding through intimacy as a couple.[vi]
Creating a „safe“ arena for experimentation is critical and sexual activity of any nature has to be safe, sane and consensual wrote another journalist, Susan Donaldson James. “Sexual exploration gives people permission and normalizes it and encourages them to explore the outer boundaries of their preferences.”[vii]
Sex Educator and writer Tracey Cox explains that spanking, biting, blindfolds, and nipple play are common sexual practices these days according to worldwide research done in 2017.[viii]
Kinky sex, fetishism and BDSM are not contemporary disfunctions of personality or brain function as traditionally diagnosed by psychologists. The ancient Hindu text, the Karma Sutra, is an historical example of lessons in how to love somebody and maintain a loving sexual relationship. One chapter is devoted to biting and within the book are discussions and instructions on scratching, hitting, moaning and oral sex amongst many other ways to have pleasurable sex.
A 2017 survey of the general population, [in America] found that broader sexual interests were about the same percentage in men and woman with results indicating that the medical profession should call into question the current definition of normal (normophilic) versus anomalous (paraphilic) sexual behaviours.[ix]
Explore with knowledge and caution
The challenge is to determine what fantasies should stay just that, fantasies, and those you will make a reality. During my exploration I have helped people achieve their life-long fantasy only for them to discover it was not what they had imagined or that they instinctively reacted in a negative way. In some instances, acting out our sexual fantasy is illegal, especially where consent by all parties is not obtained, for example: frotteurism[x] and voyeurism.[xi] In addition, different countries have different laws regarding the legality of some sexual acts. In Iceland tying someone up with consent is not illegal. However, in Australia, regardless of consent, bondage is illegal.
Another important aspect of sexual exploration is to understand not only the mental and emotional impact of the act but the potential for physical harm, albeit it unintentional. Ensure you research your interests before acting them out. Be prepared for things to go wrong such as having safety scissors to cut bondage rope in an emergency. Always check with your partner(s) for any medical issues such as low blood pressure or injuries that may be impacted or triggered through the play.
Links to Amina products for beginners and upwards
Happy and safe adventures!
Dr Rachelle Elliott is a sex educator with over ten years experience in the areas of sexual health and polyamory. A focus of her work is on self-acceptance and communicating sexual needs.
[i] (Link here) Accessed 28 April 2023.
[ii] (Link here) Accessed 14 May 2023.
[iii] (Link here) Accessed 30 April 2023.
[iv] (Link here) accessed 5 May 2023.
[v] Twenge, J.M., Sherman, R.A. & Wells, B.E. Declines in Sexual Frequency among American Adults, 1989–2014. Arch Sex Behav 46, 2389–2401 (2017). (Link here)
[vi] (Link here) Accessed 15 April 2023.
[vii] (Link here) Accessed 2 May 2023.
[viii] (Link here) Accessed 28 April 2023.
[ix] Christian C. Joyal & Julie Carpentier (2017) The Prevalence of Paraphilic Interests and Behaviours in the General Population: A Provincial Survey, The Journal of Sex Research, 54:2, 161-171, DOI: (Link here)
[x] Frotteurism is the act of touching or rubbing one’s genitals up against another person in a sexual manner without their consent, to derive sexual pleasure or reach orgasm.
[xi] Voyeurism is the act of getting pleasure from watching (generally in secret), other people in sexual acts.
